Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
