i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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