note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
