Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
