it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
