Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
