I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you win again, gameday.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
