well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
