he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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