What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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