I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
