He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
