you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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