Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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