i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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