I wish you could order shots online.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
