oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
