She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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