I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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