Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
