i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
