How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
