I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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