I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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