Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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