every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This baby is an asshole
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
