im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
