Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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