Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
