This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
