I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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