I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
