go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
