So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
