I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
