Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
