if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
