Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
