YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
