the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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