I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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