Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
