so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have tasted many bathrooms
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
