I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
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