My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
