shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
