I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize