Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
