...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
