So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
