I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
