I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
