How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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