I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
